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Return to Me

I didn't really want to come back here. But, you know, I'm not the leader, so I don't make the decisions. To be honest, even if Cloud wasn't in charge, I'd probably follow him anywhere.

But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be here, in Nibelheim, again.

The first trip back was bad enough. Finding out that Shin-Ra had erased my past was... It was harsh, to say the least. How was I supposed to deal with that? I still don't know. I'd expected that seeing the charred remains of my home would rip my old wounds open again. I couldn't have guessed that finding the town pristine, as if nothing had ever happened, would hurt even more.

Leave it to Shin-Ra to find new ways to cause harm.

When Cloud asked for volunteers to help him scour the old mansion for clues once again I held my tongue. Something bothered me, even more than the obvious. I didn't even stay to see who raised their hands.

I found myself in the cemetery just outside town. I don't know what I expected, all things considered. But I just had to know.

Walking through the rows of graves was surreal. I remembered the graves from my childhood, when we'd goof around in the graveyard after dark until we were so frightened we'd run straight home to the safety of our bed covers. How did they survive the incident? It seems like the stone should show some indication of what happened. They should be chipped, or charred, or something.

The most disturbing part was that some of the graves had flowers at their bases. Gods, Shin-Ra went the distance on this charade. They even trained their actors to feign caring.

I didn't notice that Vincent had followed me until I turned to leave. He probably would've scared me, any other time. But here, in this forsaken place, I don't think anything could disturb me. I was too far gone already. I met his eyes, and he met mine.

If it had been Cloud spying on me, he would've looked away sheepishly upon discovery. Not Vincent, though. He just looked through me, like he always did. No shame. No regret. Only a strange, piercing curiosity that I found fascinating, in better times. I was in no mood to humor him at the moment, and so I continued past him, eventually settling under the tree at the edge of the grounds. Without a word, he followed, sitting oddly close to me with his back against the trunk.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" he asked, after a few minutes.

"Nope. Kinda wish I hadn't come." I glanced over at him, only to find he was still staring through me. Vincent's knack for unnerving people was truly unparalleled.

"That's unfortunate," he answered. "This place is full of pain and disappointment, it seems."

"No kidding," I sighed, picking at the sole of my shoe. I did that sort of thing when I was upset. That's why my lips were always raw. I guess when something is gnawing at my mind, I pick and gnaw at my body.

The following silence lingered, and Vincent finally turned away from me. Oh, he could put my brooding to shame. I considered that he might have been offended that I didn't share more. After all, he was obviously concerned about me. He wouldn't have followed otherwise. And considering who I was dealing with... Well, Vincent was always so aloof. Being freely given his attention was sort of flattering, when I thought about it. He deserved my honesty.

"I was looking for my father's grave."

He looked up again at that.

"I knew he wouldn't be here. Shin-Ra wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to hide the past, only to reveal so much by erecting graves for the people their weapon killed. But... I had to look anyway. And I wish I hadn't, because now I can't lie to myself. I can't hope that he was treated with any dignity, because he wasn't. He, and all the other people who died that night, are just gone, with no public record and no honor." Despite my best efforts, tears were coming at that point. "And now I have to wonder what happened to the bodies. Were they dumped in a mass grave? Were they burned? Or... Gods... Did Shin-Ra use them for one of their sick experiments?"

Vincent flinched, and I realized who I was talking to.

"That is unlikely. It would've required more effort than it was worth, I would imagine." He paused, then awkwardly placed his good hand on my shoulder. The gesture was appreciated, especially considering who it was coming from, even though his verbal comfort was questionable. His heart was in the right place, at least.

We sat quietly until it was nearly dark. He stood when I moved to stretch, and I decided to follow. I hadn't realized how easy it was to communicate with him, even without words. Vincent picked up on so much more than most.

He paused suddenly, halfway up the road, and turned back to the cemetery.

"Do you think... Do you think that if they had been used, like you said, that they'd still be the same people they were before?" He turned back to me, with that same intense stare from before, and I could only stare back.

"I don't know what you mean, Vincent."

"Nevermind," he sighed. He joined my side again, and we continued towards town.

I didn't really know what he meant then, because I was too absorbed in my own grief. But now I know.

Yes, Vincent. You're the same. I didn't know you then, but I'd like to think that back then you were just like you are now. Naive and wise. Impassive and caring. Dangerous and fragile.

You're a damn mess, Vincent. And that's why I wish you were here, being the same hopelessly wonderful man you were before Hojo destroyed you, and the same man you were on that day when you first offered your friendship.

I'll wait here, picking myself apart until then.